Norman Cousins said, "Words need to be crafted,
not sprayed. They need to be fitted together with infinite
care."
Here are two sample paragraphs that convey the same
information but are written differently.
Chuck, a non-swimmer, was clinging to a buoy in the
water and was about thirty feet from where I was standing
on the pier. I had to try to get the rope out far enough
to reach him so I tried to throw it hard enough to him,
but I couldn't get it to him. I had to keep trying.
You do get information and a visual. Notice the five
uses of I, the repetitive use of him or to him, and the
sentence structure.
Better:
Chuck clung to the buoy. At least his head was out of the
water. Maybe he'd finally take swimming lessons, but that
discussion was for another time. He was about thirty feet
from where I stood on the pier. The bulk of the coiled
rope in my hand and a few practice swings loosened my
shoulder before I let go with all I had. The rope arced in
the air, uncurled, and landed a few feet to the right of
his outstretched hand. I quickly re-wound the sopping rope
around my forearm, felt the extra weight as I built
momentum with another wind-up, and hurled the rope and a
prayer in his direction.
This is a very quick rewrite but see the difference?
The first example lets you know what's going on. The
second example gives a more action-oriented visual and a
greater sense of being in the story with the character.
There were still five uses of I, but they aren't as
noticeable within the more developed story description.
You also see an example of writing tight. Was clinging
and was standing in the first example become clung and
stood. None of the uses of try or tried in the first
example were used in the second one.
Whether I do a critique, editing, or rewriting for a
client, my intention is to guide them to be good
storytellers. You must tell a compelling story, but you
must also focus on the craft of writing. Your goal is to
write in a way that lets readers forget a short story or
novel is in their hands and allows them to step into
another world, a movie in their minds, from the first word
to the last.
